No. 7

Hey All!!

This week has been full of ups and downs. I am trying to find the positive side but i ts hard.

Really hard.

I know God has my plan. A better plan than I can even think of for myself. But its hard to find the point where you fully let go and just become okay with what you’re dealing with. I would have never thought trying to start a family would be this hard. Never. But like I said before, I am really trying to find the positive in everything.

Going through infertility is eye opening. On so many levels. For me its been an eye opener on what I want from this beautiful life. And definitely what I don’t want. I want to be fully fulfilled by my Savior. I want to live my life fully for Christ. I want to pray more. I want to take time throughout my day and be in the presence of the Lord. I don’t want to have my life consumed in “What Ifs”. I don’t want to hold off on making plans in my future because MAYBE ill be pregnant by then. I don’t want to have meaningless friendships. I don’t want people in my life that I can’t fully rely on. I don’t want to live my life on pause.

I have recently started following some new women on Instagram which in turn has invited a few women to follow me. I can’t help but be inspired by these women. It makes me wide eyed thinking of my future, Can I write a book? Can I make this blogging thing my “thing”? My career? Can I be invited to give my story on a podcast?? My only answer that keeps running through my head, WHY NOT!!! Why can’t I have dreams and aspirations like this?? I am worthy of these dreams and hopes!

Between the pills, ultrasounds, and the prayers that your period doesn’t come, that is what I plan on focusing on. On the endless possibilities that is out there for me.

 

 

Xo

 

 

Advertisements

No. 4

Hey All!

To start off, this post will be different than my last couple posts and different than any future post. I guess there is no other way but to dive right into it.

My husband and I have been trying to start a family since July of last year. Since I got off BC, I have not cycled on my own. We went to see my doctor and she referred us to a fertility specialist.

A fertility specialist? Really? But we’ve only been trying for 6 months! I was instantly worried (im a worry wart) Anywayyyyy we meet with the fertility specialist, get the basic tests out of the way, Blood draws, ultrasounds, my husband gets tested, a 13 page packet of our family history. The Works!

Tests came back. My husband is perfect (but I already knew that). Mine were different.  I was diagnosed with PCOS. On top of acne (AWESOME), stomach weight gain (which is the best kind, am I right?) women with PCOS don’t ovulate naturally.This was a relief to hear.Our fertility specialist gave us options and we are pleased with the options. He has no doubt that we will conceive and start a family. We just need a little help! BUT before we can do that, I had to do one last test.

Turns outs, my uterus has some scar tissue. Which means I will need surgery to remove it. SCARY! And moves out our ovulation medication start date.(I cried)  My doctor gave me the option to have surgery or not.If I don’t however, my chances for miscarriage is higher. So obviously, we have decided to get the surgery. It’s a quick easy surgery and then we can try our ovulation medication a few weeks after. Prayers that everything goes wonderfully.

This whole process has been the most emotional thing I have ever had to deal with. I feel like a different person. My mom had zero issue getting pregnant! Why is this happening to me? Can we have kids? Is it me?  Is it you? My emotions are all over the place. And it seems everyone around me is getting pregnant. Which usually wouldn’t bother me at all, but it makes me cry. Not happy tears. Jealous tears. And I know that is terrible and I shouldn’t be jealous of anyone, but these emotions are just INSANE. (side note, I am extremely happy for anyone who gets pregnant, just forgive me if I don’t want to jump up and down with excitement for you okay?) And the “relax, it will happen soon” QUIT SAYING THAT TO PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING!! No one likes it!! And as you can see, relaxing wont do anything for me! (ha-ha see, emotional wreck)

I have started a baby journal, everything that we experience I have put into this little black journal that I plan on giving to our future child when he/she starts a family. It feels good to put it on paper and leave my emotions in the journal and try to focus on the positive. Either way, my husband and I will be OKAY. We have a plan in place. Just have to give it some time.

 

We love you future baby.

Xo